


All of me

by Writelikethat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Orchestra, Family, Feels, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Minor Character Death, Music, mentions of - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-18 11:52:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17580305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writelikethat/pseuds/Writelikethat
Summary: Cas' life is music, classical tunes with a multitude of intruments. Dean's life just got a lot harder to deal with.It is about these two people who fit into each other's lives, but who just can't seem to know what they're doing or even that they do in fact need the other. They think they are just hanging out, doing their friends a favor sticking around. And suddenly they are friends, who talk and enjoy spending time together. Nothing else. Not complicated at all. Until all of a sudden it is.





	1. Prologue

Music. That’s all anyone could hear. It roared through the hall in a majestic composition. Cas closed his eyes for a second and embraced it as his entire being felt whole. Connected. Cas focused on his work, with sweat dribbling down his back. Nothing gave him more life or meaning than this. When he could live the music, to feel pride of a successful moment. 

He opened his eyes and watched the people in front of him. All of them with their own unique story, but all of them there with the same goal. To share their music. 

Cas had his back turned to their audience, and he had the best place in the entire hall as he directed his orchestra through their symphonies. 

*** 

With his head held low the last few amber drops burned down his throat. It was quiet, too quiet, but he couldn’t make himself move. The empty seat across from the couch just made everything more real, he could no longer live in denial, and because everywhere he turned he was reminded. Over and over he got stabbed with the reality of how alone he felt. How lost he was without his best friend. When had he come to rely so much on a single person?   
Because he had been totally unprepared. How was he supposed to get around to accept the fact that a life ended, from one moment to the next? It just wasn’t happening as far as he could see. 

“Damn it Benny. I’m messed up over this.” Dean rasped and carefully placed his glass on the table.


	2. Meeting a new world

Castiel sat in a chair with his crew in the academy, his light blue shirt rolled up on his forearms and one hand was covering his mouth. It had been a long day and the last hopeful was playing a few pages of Beethoven’s symphony No 9. 

Castiel was familiar with every little note of the entire symphony and he loved it. Still, an entire evening without having much luck of replacing the woman going on maternity leave was not that fun. He picked up his cup of coffee, registered that it was empty and put it down with a frown.

The young man in front of him played perfectly, but there was no life in the music. Cas looked for someone that could bring out more than just the notes marked for violin. Anyone could do that. He wanted love for the music, understanding of the greatness and he wanted it all to seep into the instrument and out to him. He wanted the musician and the instrument to become one. That way he would know exactly who was right for the job and he could go home and get a good night’s sleep. 

After the guy had walked back outside Cas looked over at the colleagues beside him and they all decided to sleep on it until the next day and talk about it then. He picked up his jacket and the briefcase before walking outside the music room. Just a few doors down he heard his cello group practicing the same piece. Cas ventured closer to the door and peeked inside. 

It was coming together. They still had weeks to practice before their next performance, but his musicians practiced often and most of them enjoyed it as much as he did. That’s what he expected of them anyway. 

When he entered the room he listened to them trying to sound as one, instead of six separate instruments. He knew they would get there eventually. 

“Hi Cas.” Jess smiled up at him when they stopped. 

“Hello.”

“What do you think?”

“What happened in the 57th bar?” He asked and Jess shook her head. 

“We messed up, again. We keep coming too late for the last note.” She bit the inside of her cheek. Cas looked over at the rest of the group and all of them nodded so he turned to the sheet as he put his bag down by Jess’ chair. He let one long finger follow the staff, while quietly humming the tune. 

“Yes, I can see that. You have to hold it in one long tune, then go for it immediately in order to reach it at the correct time. Try again.” He stepped back and suddenly realized they weren’t alone. 

“Oh, excuse me. Can I help you?”

Two young men lounged in chairs just inside the door. They did not look familiar at all. Both in ripped jeans and heavy jackets. One of them looking decidedly out of place, and the other leaning forward with interest. 

“Uh, no. We’re waiting for Jess.”

Cas widened his eyes in surprise. He looked between the men and Jess who looked a little sheepish. 

“Company has to wait in the hall.” He announced and sent a meaningful glance to the door. The interested one apologized and was up off his chair, while the other got up with a frown. 

Once they stepped out Cas started counting and the band played their piece over again.

 

It was the beginning of September, well after the summer where most of the orchestra had taken time off. Their last performance had been just at the start of summer, and they had the next in two months. Then they would start practicing their Christmas repertoire. 

Cas led the orchestra as best he could. It was his life, his passion. And even if he still was a bit underappreciated in his opinion, he would get there. His orchestra wasn’t playing professionally yet, and he was okay with that. Because Cas took pride in doing it right. He wanted to work his way there, to really earn it. 

Being just after the summer, meant a lot of the members had to get back to their day jobs or studying. Cas had scheduled practices each week to make sure every section of the orchestra got enough work in. He still expected them to practice at home. 

As the weeks went by Cas started putting it together. He gathered the orchestra in the great hall, they worked late until they were all sweating and their ears burning from it all, but they went home smiling. 

At least Cas did. His entire life had been about music. He had been coming to symphony orchestras since he was four years old and fell asleep on his brother’s shoulder. His father used to say it was in their veins. And perhaps it was. Because as far back as Cas knew, someone in their family had always been involved with the orchestra. Both of Cas’ parents played in the local orchestra. 

Cas’ grandparents on his father’s side had been in an orchestra as well, while on his mother’s side his grandfather was the conductor. That’s where Cas had gotten his inspiration. Because he used to sit in his lap asking about the music, and then his grandfather would smile wistfully and say, that nothing felt better than the tiredness in his arms after a whole night of performing the most magical music in the world. 

Now Cas could relate. He’d worked his way through school, learned everything he could about the subject and then some. He had moved to a new city, because he’d landed a job with a symphony orchestra and he had taken the chance. 

That was nine months ago. Cas had struggled to get into the warmth in this new place, but he never gave up, and made space for himself, in his own way. Because he was determined and he knew he could do it. 

After they’d done a few successful performances, things had become easier, and Cas was glad that he got a chance to show what he could do. 

“Hey, Cas. Do you want to go out for pizza with us?” Jess asked as they started to pack their things. Cas could have gone home a while back, but he liked it there, and nobody was waiting for him anyway. 

“Oh, I don’t know.”

“Come on. We’re just going a few blocks from here, and I bet you could use some food about now.” She smiled her winning smile and Cas nodded slowly. 

“Pizza does sound nice.” He admitted. 

“Great. Let’s go.” She said and they made their way outside. 

The two men from earlier waited in one of the lounge areas and Jess made way over to them immediately. Cas stood back to wait for them with some of the others and surprisingly the conversation went smoothly. Cas had never been good at small talk. In his life, he’d only ever had one dream, and he was living it right now. He was a more to the point kind of man. Someone who worked for his goals, and didn’t think too hard on what others thought of him. 

 

Walking down the street with these people still put Cas on edge. Those who played in the orchestra was familiar, but it didn’t mean he knew all of them on a personal level. Jess was in the front chatting away, arm in arm with her boyfriend. She looked happy. Then again, she always did. It was one of most likable things about her. 

The other celloplayers knew each other well, so they talked and seemed to have a pleasant night too. 

The only one looking as out of his element as Cas, was the man walking on the other side of Jess’ boyfriend. He didn’t speak, walked ahead almost looking like he was forced to be there. And maybe he was. Cas didn’t dwell on it. He would eat some pizza, then he would go home and think about his choices for recruits. 

Jess was great at including everybody, and it turned out her boyfriend, Sam was somewhat of the same type. He started a conversation about what little he’d heard them play, asked why they liked it and made them talk about their own interest. Sam’s brother was Dean, who walked up to the counter to get a beer before even sitting down. By then every seat was taken apart from the one next to Cas. 

Cas was content letting the conversation go around him, and since Dean clearly showed no interest in chit chat, then Cas wouldn’t bother him. 

For someone who didn’t really get affected by other people’s attitudes, Cas was relieved when the pizza was eaten and he could finally stand up and say good bye. He dug around his pocket to pay for part of the food and even if Jess said he shouldn’t think about it, he left it there on the table with a smile. 

“See you tomorrow.” He said directed at the members of the orchestra. Then he turned toward Sam and Dean. “Nice to meet you two. Have a good night.” 

 

***

 

It became a thing after that first time. 

The orchestra practiced at strange hours, and at least twice a week, Sam and Dean would be waiting outside the room once they finished. Jess almost always asked if someone wanted to tag along for some food. If the invitation was vague, Cas said good bye and went home. If she specifically asked if he wanted to eat something, then he would go. Cas wasn’t sure why that was. He didn’t want to intrude, or assume that they wanted him there. Because the same pattern repeated itself each night. 

Cas would hang back. He would take in the different interactions, and more often than not, he spaced out of the conversation. 

One night, though, Jess started talking about when she played the cello for Sam’s parents. 

“I swear, they probably hoped this thing wouldn’t last a month. It was awful.”

“No, it wasn’t.” Sam assured her. 

Jess laughed. 

“Well, Mary said that she bet it sounded great with some other instruments accompanying me. And John… well, let’s not talk about that. I think he had tears in his eyes.”

“If you had played something other than… wrinkly orchestra sheets, then maybe they’d understood.” Dean chirped in with a smile on one side of his lips. 

Cas sat opposite him and the man looked a little better than he had since they met. Jess laughed it off, while Sam flashed Cas a concerned glance before smiling nervously. 

“You don’t like classical music?” Cas asked.

“I like classic music, all right. Classic rock.” Dean clarified. His eyes coming up to meet Cas’ and they stared at each other for a while without saying a word. Cas nodded slowly. 

Cas hadn’t watched the man so much, he wouldn’t take the chance, considering the angry way he held himself. But it had occurred to him that Dean was very attractive. Those eyes especially, had been a surprise. 

 

It was drawing closer to their first performance of the season. Cas had replaced the pregnant violinist with someone who would do, but wasn’t perfect yet. It would be fine, and they all worked hard. 

As they got closer and closer to the actual day, things went smoother, each practice felt better and Cas became confident it would be successful. 

Cas had told Jess that if they wanted, she could invite Sam and Dean to the dress rehersal. He expected Sam to show, but it was a surprise to see Dean there. A pleasant one. 

Before letting anyone in, Cas made a last sound check with each section. 

The audience for this dress rehearsal meant students of the academy, important people on the board, Cas’ employers and some other people that didn’t have a chance to get there on the performance night, or people who couldn’t afford the show. Cas had made a point of it, to give music to everyone. His bosses had been critical to an approach like this, since it meant no income, and also a preview of what would come. But Cas had convinced them. 

After introducing themselves, Cas turned to face his orchestra. The moment his arms came up to signal the beginning he let himself be part of the music. This was his space, somewhere he knew what was expected of him, and he knew he was good at it. 

His enthusiasm showed in everything he did. The way his knees would bend as he reached out to bring the music to life. His hair had been somewhat normal, but by the time they got halfway through, it was flopping messily around. Nobody could see it, but sweat started to break out on his neck and back, and his arms were straining. Cas smiled. 

 

After, when he turned around to face their audience Cas met Dean’s eyes for a moment. The man had mixed feelings showing in his expression, and for once he looked almost soft. 

Dean on his part sat in his chair next to Sam desperately trying not to show that he felt something at all. Because even if Dean still wouldn’t say he enjoyed this kind of music, he wasn’t so stubborn that he couldn’t admit that it was great. 

Great in the sense that people genuinely understood and lived this music. He only had to watch Cas for the first minute of the performance to understand that this was his life. It was like watching a totally different man. 

Dean had gotten used to his quiet presence in the last couple of weeks. Cas was, in Dean’s opinion, someone who had themselves figured out. Calm and comfortable with who he was, not afraid to stand out and there was just no drama around him. Maybe that’s why Dean stuck to his side. The guy wouldn’t complain if Dean couldn’t keep a conversation. He didn’t comment on his third glass of whiskey, and he didn’t get offended when Dean sometimes threw out a comment about the music he and Jess was so invested in. 

Dean wouldn’t go so far as to say they knew each other, but somehow they always ended up seated together when Cas tagged along and they did talk sometimes. About safe stuff. The pizza, the music, or the people around them. 

And when Dean got sick of the pitying looks from the people knowing him he would get up and head for the bar. It didn’t take long before Cas joined him there. Even if he rarely drank anything stronger than coffee or hot lemon water. He was a strange man, but he felt safe to be around.

Sam as usual was overjoyed at Jess’ performance. Dean was relieved when she finally stepped through the doors to take his little brother off his case. They already headed down the hall and turned around when Sam realized Dean wasn’t following. 

Dean rolled his eyes. He didn’t need to be babysat. 

“You coming?” Sam asked. 

“Just go ahead, Sam. I’m gonna wait here.” He said. Sam watched him for a long moment, but then he nodded and put an arm over Jess’ shoulders and walked out. 

Cas was the last one to come out. Dean felt a little awkward, because they had never spent time alone like this. Someone else was always around. Dean wasn’t even sure if they could be considered friends, yet, there he was, wanting to make sure Cas didn’t feel nervous for tomorrow’s real performance. 

Cas stopped a little when he noticed Dean there, but he quickly made his way over.

“Hello, Dean.” He said like it was perfectly normal for Dean to be waiting for him in an empty hall at ten thirty pm. Dean liked the sound of his voice.

“Cas.” Dean pushed his hands into his pockets. Cas placed his bag on the table to get into his jacket. 

“I’m surprised you’re still here. I thought perhaps it wasn’t to your taste.” Cas said and motioned for them to go outside. 

“It isn’t, but I thought it would be rude if I left. Besides, Sam was about ready to jump on the stage. Someone had to hold him back.” Dean said and that earned him a rare smile. 

Through some unspoken agreement they walked down the street to the Roadhouse. They had been there multiple times before and Cas knew that Dean and Sam was very familiar with the place. 

As they sat down by the counter Jo came over to them. 

“What can I get you guys?” She looked at Dean with that annoying concerned look he wanted to punch off everybody’s faces lately.

Dean ordered a whiskey. Cas asked for hot lemon water. Jo just barely held it together. 

“It’s a Friday night.” She said slowly. Dean hid his grin behind a hand. Cas wasn’t fooled as his eyes narrowed. 

“And tomorrow’s Saturday. Do you have it or should I ask for something else?” Cas said. 

Dean watched interested as Jo studied him curiously. 

“Would it kill you to have a few drinks?”

“Kill me?” Cas asked confused. “No, I don’t think it would.” 

“Then, how about I get you started with a drink, on the house.”

Cas sighed. 

“I have a performance tomorrow. If you can’t get me the lemon water, just tell me.”

“Fine. But after that performance I demand you get a little wild, alright?”

Cas stared at her a long moment before giving a curt nod. Jo landed a steaming cup of lemon water in front of him with an elegant sweep. 

“I’ll hold you to that.” 

Dean wasn’t sure what it was all about, but he just shook his head when Jo grinned evilly at him.


	3. Life gets rough

Cas had a routine the day of a show. He would lie in, then go for a run and have a long relaxing breakfast. Then he would go to the academy to make sure everything was ready. 

Eventually the musicians would start showing up. Some of them with nerves, others needed help tuning their instruments or other just wanted to be reassured. 

Cas might not be great at expressing his feelings to the people around him, but if he could he would have told the young guy by the drums that he was making him proud. He would have told the newly widowed woman playing violin with tears in her eyes, that she was strong. And he would have tried to encourage the sad boy on contrabass that life would be better, he was still so young. And he would have congratulated the new father playing his first solo on the flute. 

It wasn’t something Cas felt comfortable doing, but he could show his support. He could be there to answer their questions, he could make sure they felt safe, and to show them that he was confident they would have a great time. 

At the last sound check everyone was ready. Dressed in nice black attire. Cas himself wore his usual tuxedo, and he felt a tingle of nerves and excitement at the night before them. 

 

Once they started Cas forgot about the people behind him. He was only in the music, guiding his orchestra through it, and it felt magnificent. Even with how much they had practiced it, over and over, it still felt fresh and good. It was his and he knew he had made a good job. 

So he lived the music, wished for his grandfather to be there to see this, and to share it with his family. But they would get there eventually. Most of his family was busy living their own lives. It wasn’t like Cas had been there to every one of his brother’s shows or his parents practices. 

Instead he had this kind of family. For each practice they got to know each other better, they got closer and learn to be around each other. Cas enjoyed that. Because he was a solitary person. He liked his life very much, and if he needed so be social, then he could, but he didn’t have to live with his entire family, and Cas wasn’t sure he was made for that kind of life. 

Well after they had finished the symphony, the audience had clapped and connected with each other, Cas still felt his blood roar through his system. 

Just as he had been there to prepare his musicians before the show, he was there to talk them back down form their high. He helped them get their instruments packed down, he gave them a few short words of credit, and then he told them to do something nice. Have a nice meal, go out with some friends. To enjoy their night because they deserved it. 

He was about to bid them good night when the door opened. 

“Cassie!” 

Cas turned around with a frown even if he knew exactly who it was. 

“Gabriel.” He said. “I wasn’t aware you had arrived.” 

“Well, little brother. Here I am. And I have to say, I’m not surprised, but still, I have to say that you did good. It sounded absolutely perfect to my ears.”

Cas smiled slightly. Having his favorite brother there was very nice indeed. So while Gabriel tattered around the room, Cas finished up and was about ready to leave when Jess came up to him. 

“Hi, Cas. I… might have gotten a message from Jo. An order.” She said and Cas pursed his lips slightly. He might want to go out, at least to talk to Dean for a bit, but with his brother there, things had a habit of becoming too much, too soon. 

“I’m sorry. My brother is visiting here, means I’ll have to entertain him.”

“Cassie, dear. If you’ve found yourself someone who makes an effort to see you, then I think we should go there.” Gabriel suggested. Of course he did. 

“Gabe, that’s not…” Cas shook his head. 

“Fine, we will be there in a bit.” He sighed. 

Gabriel waggled his eyebrows, but kept quiet as people started filing out of there. Once they were alone and Cas walked down the hall to change into something less formal. He glared at his brother. 

“Why do you keep doing this? You know I’m not even like that.”

“I know, but I’m here and I want to catch up, you know I do. But I also want something to drink. So let’s go out, chat with your friends, and then we can head back to your place if you don’t like it.”

Cas struggled out of his shirt and pulled on a pair of jeans. Gabriel stared at him. 

“I’m not sure I have ever seen you in jeans before.”

“Of course you have. How is mother?” Cas dismissed. 

Gabriel let it go and started telling Cas about how the family was doing. Apparently their father had begun to step back from playing professionally. 

“Mother is not happy, but he insisted that he was getting old for this.” Gabriel shrugged. Their father played the clarinet and had started to work on his own music lately. Cas had gotten a few drafts of his sheet music, it was impressive if he was honest. 

“I know, he e-mailed me.” Cas murmured.

“So now we’ve caught up, let’s go get drunk.” Gabriel enthused. 

 

Cas was unable to stand up against his brother. He knew he should, at least sometimes, but Gabriel knew exactly which buttons to push to get his way. Cas couldn’t even get mad about it. 

As they stepped through the doors of the Roadhouse, Gabriel turned and stared at his brother. 

“Do you mean to tell me that you are hanging out at a place like this?”

“Yes? Why is that so strange?”

“Don’t know. Guess I didn’t know you all that well.”

“I have to warn you, if you stay something bad about the place, you might actually get kicked out. And I’m not going to defend you.” Cas strode up to the bar and greeted Jo with a gruff nod. 

“Lemon water, please.” He said. A huff next to him had Cas turning toward the leather clad man sitting on the stool. 

“I didn’t say I was going to play by her rules.” He whispered. Dean gave him a little smile, and Cas smiled back feeling lighter all of a sudden. 

“Here is you cold lemon water, sir.” Jo announced and placed a suspicious looking glass in front of Cas. But he had promised, sort of, so he reached out and took a sip. 

“Cassie?” Gabriel said behind him. 

“What? Are you waiting for me to ask you to sit?” Cas asked a bit annoyed. 

Gabriel rolled his eyes and sank down on a stool. 

“No, but it would be nice to know who your friends are.” 

Cas took a sip before introducing his brother to Jo and Dean. He watched as Gabriel took in the two, and how easily he made Jo laugh, and even Dean seemed to relax fairly quickly. Gabriel had that effect on people. He was the opposite of Cas who didn’t have an easy time making friends. 

As expected Cas’ ‘lemon water’ was a drink Jo had made up, and after a few of those, Cas felt like his face was a little heated, and he smiled more. When Gabriel suggested they take the party to Cas’ place, it didn’t immediately occur as a bad idea. 

Suddenly all of his tentative friends from the orchestra, including some of their girlfriends or boyfriends, plus the new friends from the Roadhouse filed into his home. He lived by the river, neighboring a beautiful park. Cas really enjoyed the peaceful calm his place provided. 

Now, though, nothing was quiet or peaceful. Music blasted from the living room, his kitchen was a crazy free bar and people danced all over the place. Gabriel sure knew how to keep it interesting. 

“I didn’t know you lived here.” Dean sat next to him on the couch. Cas shrugged a little uncomfortably. 

“This isn’t how you usually spend the night after a show?” Dean asked. 

Cas raised his bottle. “Not usually, no.”

Dean just shook his head with a little smile. They sat there next to each other, sharing a few words here and there. Cas didn’t think about it much, but he knew people sometimes thought he was strange. He didn’t really join the party, even if he was there. And of course Gabriel noticed. 

“I know why Cassie here is moping on the couch. But I don’t understand why you are sitting here being grumpy.” Gabriel asked Dean with a teasing grin. Only Dean didn’t laugh back, he didn’t answer immediately. Instead he watched Gabriel for a moment before he got up. 

“Some things is just not… get out of my way.” Dean muttered and disappeared. 

“Boy, what’d I do?”

“You offended him, Gabriel. Clearly.” 

“Well, what’s wrong with him?”

“Nothing is wrong with him, Gabriel.” Cas shook his head and told his brother to take it a bit easy. He didn’t want this thing to get out of control.

Cas got up, but before he made it anywhere Jo came over to him. 

“What happened to Dean?”

“I don’t know. Gabe was a dick to him, so he got out of there.” Cas said. 

Jo looked a little thoughtful before leaning in a little closer. 

“Has he told you something about his personal life?”

“Dean? No. Is there something I should know?”

 

A while later, Cas stepped out on the tiny balcony outside his living room. Dean was leaning against the railing, dangling a beer in his hand. 

“So, did Jo tell you all about my sad life?”

“She did say you had a hard time lately.” Cas admitted. Dean nodded slowly not looking up. 

“Well, what can I say, I get tired of the pitying looks, so I’m not going to take it from you.” Dean sounded defeated and angry. 

Cas watched his tense shoulders, then he stepped up to him, leaning against the railing until Dean raised his eyes to meet his. 

“I’m not pitying you.” Cas commented. 

“Oh, yeah?” Dean challenged. 

“I’m not someone to tell anyone how to deal with tough times. You grieve how you like, as long as you try to move forward again. That’s what my mother always said. And I firmly believe that to be true.” Cas reached out carefully and nudged Dean’s shoulder. 

Dean stared at the pavement below them. The silence stretching out, but neither making a move to say something or to get out of there. It sat there between them, not entirely pleasant, but not enough to get awkward. Eventually  
Dean took a deep breath. 

“Some days I feel like I’m ready to move on, but then… I can’t believe he’s gone. I met Benny junior year in high school and since then we stuck together. He was my best friend and I don’t know how to live without him.” 

Cas listened to Dean talking about his friend. He was pretty sure he would have never heard any of this if Gabriel hadn’t been an ass, or if Dean hadn’t been drunk, but still. He would listen until Dean didn’t want to talk anymore. 

“My family keeps looking at me like I’m about to go crazy and my friends barely dare say a word.” 

“I’m sorry. Grieving is a process, and we all need to work through it in our own way.” 

“Yeah I guess. I just… I wasn’t prepared for this, and I think I’m stuck. Benny would be ashamed if he knew I let myself break from this.” Dean tried with a little smile, but it barely reached his eyes.

 

*** 

 

Cas didn’t see Dean for a while after the party, but he didn’t have the time to think about it too much. He had a few busy weekends with performances, then he had to start preparing for Christmas concerts. He knew most of the people in the orchestra already knew most of the symphonies they played during Christmas, but it would still be his first time leading this team by himself for the holidays. And it was an important tradition. 

Cas had talked to an old friend who would come to sing along to a couple Christmas songs to really get into the spirit. He wouldn’t show up until a week before Christmas though. 

As Christmas came closer Cas had a really busy schedule, with practicing every day. Some of the late evenings had him strolling to the roadhouse, because him and Dean had finally exchanged phone numbers and the man was waiting for him there. 

Cas hadn’t talked more about Dean’s friend after that first time. When they first met almost two weeks after the party, Dean had seemed a little nervous, but Cas was busy and distracted so they ended up sitting side by side, drinking beer. 

Once they started texting a bit, Dean would often ask him if he would join them at the roadhouse. Most of the time Cas would join them by a large table, people already having eaten, and kept on drinking. Other times, Dean would sit by the bar, and Cas walked over to him, to sit there in near silence. 

Dean wasn’t the most talkative guy. Sometimes when he had been drinking more than usual, he could turn into a goofy sort of guy, with a loud voice who flirted with everyone around. A part of Cas thought maybe Dean was a little more outspoken when he was feeling better, but at the moment he needed to stay low to process what was going on in his life. 

For Cas it didn’t matter what Dean was usually like. He was comfortable to hang out with and they fit with each other somehow. Cas stayed well away from examining any feelings or thoughts relating to this man. He didn’t have time to complicate things, and he wasn’t even sure it was an option. 

He had to be blind not to notice the looks on Dean. In Cas’ opinion, Dean was extremely attractive. His body was lean and broad, he had a way of holding himself that spoke both vulnerability and strength. And his face, was pretty, in a distracting and overwhelming way if he stared for too long. But Cas didn’t stare for too long. He enjoyed the company of this man and he would keep doing just that. 

“So you’re telling me that Christmas never really was a tradition at your house?”

“Growing up in a family with orchestra musicians, we tend to be needed during Christmas. Concerts, shows and obligations to the orchestra they were playing in. Family didn’t get prioritized as much, I guess.”

“That sounds… sad.” Dean shook his head. 

“I did grow up with four siblings, though, so we weren’t alone, if that’s what you’re talking about.”

“No, I mean, it’s… I mean, I get that Christmas isn’t a big deal for everybody. We never had the grand celebration either, but at least we all stuck together. Family and friends.”

Cas shrugged. He’d been used to it for so long he didn’t really know if there was anything to miss. 

“At least I have a friend visiting this year, if that counts?”

Dean chuckled. 

“Sure, whatever you say man.”


	4. Making a bet

(Dean)

Balthazar was the second person from Cas’ life outside the orchestra that Dean met. Or, as outside the orchestra as he could be without actually being in it. Apparently the man was there to sing because he had a voice worth a million and was also an old acquaintance of Cassie. Dean spent the entire night lounging back, nursing his beer, trying to figure out how Cas, the quiet, sturdy man, knew the loud, self-centered guy currently taking up Dean’s usual spot by the table. 

It didn’t matter to him what they were to each other. Dean still couldn’t help wondering whether Cas and Balthazar really just were friends or if they shared something more. 

After the second night out he didn’t have to imagine anymore. Balthazar cleared it up effectively. 

“I mean, I can in no way afford to harm this voice, but Cas here, already sounds like he got his throat fucked, and he’s good for it too.” Balthazar nudged Cas’ shoulder suggestively, and the other man just answered dryly. 

“I have no idea what you are implying.” 

Dean was surprised to feel a hard sting of something in his chest at the conversation. He didn’t enjoy it at all, and he wanted to leave even if he knew it was childish of him. He couldn’t even explain why it made him so uncomfortable. 

Cas let it go on for a while, until he placed a hand on Balthazar’s shoulder and asked him to change the subject. 

Dean sat by the table for as long as he could handle, then he left to sit by the bar, chatting with Jo. 

“What do you think about the guy?” Jo glanced over at the table. 

With a beer halfway to his lips Dean shook his head slowly, and pursed his lips. 

“I’m not sure. He’s a very loud British dude.”

“You don’t like him.” Jo stated. 

They could hear the man’s laugh all the way over to where they sat. He talked most of the time, and he had a repertoire of comments about pretty much everything.

“I don’t understand him.” Dean corrected. 

Jo hummed and went to serve a few new tables. 

The night was quiet and there wasn’t much to do. Jo happily shared a beer with him between the few tables they had. She didn’t ask about Balthazar, and Dean was grateful they could talk about other stuff. 

When Balthazar got up, Dean watched Cas get up and leave with him. Dean stared at his back for a moment, and when he turned around he met a pair of curious eyes. He tried to play it off with a shrug. 

“So they’re like together?” Jo whispered.

“I don’t know how much together they are, as opposed to taking advantage of familiarity.” Dean muttered sourly. 

 

He couldn’t name the feeling, but he was definitely annoyed that this Balthazar came and demanded all of Cas’ attention. Part of Dean knew he was being ridiculous. Cas and him had just started to become friends, it wasn’t like he could expect Cas to stop seeing his other friends. But Dean felt lonely, and it had felt better while Cas was there being a little bit lonely too. Now, Dean had to sit there by himself being a total loner instead.

*** 

Christmas and New Year’s turned out to be so much worse than expected. Dean had come to rely on Cas for his company somehow. The pain from losing Benny so suddenly, was still there, but now it felt even more like a recent wound.   
Every time he drove down a road Dean checked every turn and crossroad to make sure no car would come speeding into him. He came to a point where he dreaded getting into his car. He drank more again. After spending time with the lemon water drinking guy, Dean had slowed down almost without realizing. 

Only now Cas had moved on. Too busy with his old friend or lover to even talk to Dean. 

It came to a point where Dean actually bought a ticket to one of the concerts during Christmas. He made sure to show up late, sit way in the back and leave just as they played the last notes. Sitting there in the hall surrounded by all of these people, Dean mostly just stared at Cas’ back. He had shown up dressed in a nice suit. He greeted the audience, with his hair pristinely fixed in tidy waves. It took less than twenty minutes for it to become a right mess. Dean wondered if he got tired in his arms, and why he loved it so much. 

Listening to the songs where Balthazar had his solo, Dean had to admit that even if he didn’t really like this kind of music, the man could sing. He sounded clear and loud over the orchestra and it was a nice enough effect. 

Once he was out of there Dean wished he could admit to it, to tell Cas that he had enjoyed it despite everything. But he didn’t. He left in a hurry and headed on home. 

 

They did meet during the holidays. Once the few concerts were over, Balthazar insisted on a party, and then he left. Cas was his usual self during the party. He drank a few beers, but that was it. He kept to the side, but was still politely chatting with anyone close by. 

Dean was pleased to see that even if he had learned something new about his tentative friend, it hadn’t changed them in any way. Dean prided himself on being more open minded than his father. He didn’t care that someone preferred male company to female. Sam was at a whole other level of acceptance. He would bring it up, talk about it once when they were alone. 

“Did you know Cas was gay, did he tell you?” Sam asked while making a sandwich in Dean’s kitchen. 

Dean shrugged. 

“No, didn’t know until Balthazar got here.”

“Huh. Yeah, me neither.” Sam looked a little distracted. 

“Do you think that’s why he’s moved away from his family?” Sam pondered. 

“Not really. He doesn’t seem like the type to be ashamed, or even bothered by what others might think.”

“No, no, I get it. But still, I mean, I don’t really know him, but he hadn’t shown any signs before this guy came here.”

Dean rolled his eyes. 

“Sam, why would he? Just because he’s gay, doesn’t mean he has to “show any signs”.”

“Oh, come on, Dean. That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what are you talking about?”

Sam didn’t comment on it, and Dean tried not to think about how absolutely right Sam was when he said that Cas hadn’t shown any sign before Balthazar showed up. He tried not to think about why that might bother him.

*** 

New Year ’s Eve was a huge party within the family. Mary made dinner and everyone with the smallest amount of connection to them was invited. Dean was on the verge of inviting Cas, but at the last minute he changed his mind. What if he had something else to do, he might not even be interested, or what if their family read something into it. Instead he spent the night trying not to feel bad about the thought that Cas might be alone. 

The first day in the new year the entire city felt dull and quiet. Some people took the opportunity to take walk, start fresh. Others didn’t wake up until late afternoon. Dean slept in, then when the night rolled around, he found his way to the roadhouse. And eventually texted Cas, to ask what he was up to. 

By the time Cas got there, most of Dean’s group of friends had shown up too, so he went to sit with them. When Cas came through the door he looked fresh and awake. His hair a usual dark mess, and his shirt a little wrinkly. He walked over to them, looking a little distracted, but when he reached the table he greeted them with a smile and wishing them happy New Year. 

Jess got up to hug him, then she pulled him down into a chair. 

“I’m so happy you came out. How was your night? I thought I would see you.” She sent a quick glance in Dean’s direction, but Dean chose to ignore it. 

“It was nice, thank you. I had a lovely dinner with my neighbors.” He smiled gently and accepted the beer Jo placed in front of him with a grin. Dean felt a sting of guilt. Why, why hadn’t he invited Cas? Instead the man had spent the night with some random neighbors. He knew Sam was thinking the same. 

“That sounds nice. What did you have?” 

“They made a very nice turkey dinner. And they have two lovely daughters, so we had a nice evening.”

Dean couldn’t help but imagine a sad night with old, quiet people, but Cas was perfectly content in his life. He didn’t look like he regretted his night, or lonely at all. Maybe he knew his neighbors well after all. 

Everyone around the table was tired and ready for bed by ten. The night before had been hard on some of them, and Dean could feel the presence of Benny. His friend would have laughed loudly at them all, feeling great, even if he would have partied at least as hard as everyone else. Dean hadn’t been up late, because everything hurt last night. Instead he drank too much and fell asleep. 

As people started to file out of there Cas got up too, and Dean followed him outside. 

“Did you walk here?” Cas looked around for Dean’s car. 

“Yeah, thought I could use the fresh air.”

Cas nodded. He watched Dean, he didn’t make a move to start heading home. Dean was getting used to the slightly loaded silence. Cas didn’t seem to notice. 

“Do you want to walk with me?” Cas asked after a moment. 

Dean was about to dismiss it, but he found that he actuallydid want that. So they started walking down the road, side by side, both with their hands deep in their pockets.

“I’m sorry I didn’t invite you last night. I thought with you being busy with the orchestra and so on…” Dean pushed his hands deep into his pockets. His head spun a little, but he hadn’t been drinking all that much, thankfully. 

“I have been busy lately. And I also did have a really nice meal with my neighbors. The couple has two young daughters, and they were playing all night until they fell asleep on the couch.” 

Dean smiled a little. 

“That’s nice. Do you go there often?”

“Sometimes. I have made them dinner at my house too, when they seem busy or stressed.” Cas sounded so matter of fact, like this was behavior everyone had. 

Dean came from a nice including family, but it was a surprise that the seemingly distracted guy Cas was, would find time to make dinner for stressed neighbors. 

“You know, I have been thinking that I am willing to bet I can get you to enjoy orchestra music, if you let me.” 

“Oh yeah? What do you want to bet?” Dean grinned. A part of him felt thrilled that Cas cared whether Dean enjoyed his choice in music or not. 

“Hm. Let’s get back to that. Are you willing to give it a try?”

“What’s the limit? I mean, we can’t go on forever.” 

Cas smiled. 

“Come inside, I’ll give my first try tonight.” Cas opened the door and with anyone other than Cas it would have sounded like an invitation for something entirely different. Somehow, Dean didn’t think that was the case. With a nervous jump of his heart he realized that if Cas wanted to make a move on Dean, then he would be as open and direct about it as he was everything else. 

“Alright, but I’m suggesting three tries. If I don’t genuinely like it by then, you’ll just have to accept it.” 

Cas led him through the house to a part Dean hadn’t seen before. He had been there a few times after that first party, but Cas never let anyone go upstairs. Now he led Dean down the hall of the second floor and once they reached the door at the end he stopped. 

“You already know I enjoy orchestra music, so this is my… let’s just say it’s my space dedicated to that.” He sounded a little nervous, but he opened the door and Dean didn’t know what to say. 

All kinds of instruments faced him, and Dean was taken aback by the amount and also how tidy they were displayed. He had flutes either on shelves or on the floor. He had two different violins and one enormous contrabass. There were also several instruments Dean didn’t even know the name of. 

“Wow. This is…” Dean stepped into the room. 

“This is actually really cool. Do you know how to play all of them.”

“Yes.” Cas had moved over to a table with his computer, and Dean noticed an advanced speaker system which would make for really great sound. 

Dean was still processing the fact that Cas knew how to play all of the instruments. 

Cas stood up and told Dean to face the computer. 

“Do you trust me?” Cas asked. Dean narrowed his eyes. 

“What?”

“It would work better if you’re comfortable to close your eyes.”

“Oh, alright. Yeah, sure.”

Cas came to stand next to him. 

“You’ve seen the orchestra. How it is devided into groups. The violins, the different flutes and cellos and so on.”

Dean nodded. 

“Good. I want you to picture that in your mind when you close your eyes, and then if you’ll let me hold your hands I’ll guide you through the rest.”

Dean swallowed hard and nodded a little staccato. He had no idea what was going on here, and what if Cas actually did imply something else when he asked Dean to come inside? Dean was definitely not prepared for that. Benny had suggested it from time to time when they were out. And he pushed whenever a guy would come over, trying to pick up Dean. But Dean insisted that he wasn't interested. That he didn't do that. Deep down he always knew he was curious, that he wanted to give it a shot. Now that Dean realized he stood in front of the one guy he would actually be comfortable taking that step with, he was scared and turned on at the same time.

“My grandfather was a conductor as well, and he showed me this when I was seven years old. Since then I always knew what I wanted to do when I grew up.”

Cas took place behind Dean and carefully reached out to hold each hand in his. Dean let out a long breath, demanding it to be steady and closed his eyes. 

“Alright.” He rasped and ignored his beating heart as he put his faith in Cas. 

“You remember where each of the sections were? Violins here, flutes there…” For each instrument Cas listed with his deep voice so, so close to Dean’s ear, he would move Dean’s hands to show him. Dean was barely registering anything, suddenly his senses were filled with Cas, close and warm. His scent, his voice and his entire presence. 

“Ready?” Cas murmured. And Dean nodded. 

His left arm raised and suddenly the room was filled with the sound of violins playing a delicate tune. As they continued to play Cas raised his right arm and a deeper tune sounded along the violins. Dean didn’t even think about opening his eyes. Cas moved closer to reach his arm better and almost all of Cas’ front was pressed along Dean’s back. 

It felt like a dance. When Cas made a move with one of his arms, the music would change. And when the other arm moved, a different sound happened from that side of the room. Sometimes new instruments would be added, or it would go slower. When it started to build in both tempo and sound Dean really got to feel how Cas lived the music deep in his bones. It was almost like he forgot what they were doing. 

The music faded and Cas carefully lowered Dean’s arms and took a step back. His breathing sounded labored. 

Dean opened his eyes, unsure of how to go from there, but he turned to face Cas. 

“That was…” Dean had no idea what words to use.

“It always made me speechless. Imagine to be responsible for that to happen, making sure it sounded right, to control it.” Cas rambled on, looking so happy, so pleased and sure of himself and who he was. 

Dean stared at this man in front of him. His cheeks looked a little rosy, and his eyes had a blue spark to them. D1ean couldn’t stop himself, and he leaned in and kissed him. 

A soft kiss before he came to his senses and stepped back with his eyes wide. 

“Does this mean I convinced you already?” Cas asked with a hint of a teasing grin. Dean laughed nervously and looked down. 

Neither of them had put any distance between them. Cas watched him closely, safe and calm in this too. Dean felt slightly frantic and ready to bolt. When warm hands came up to his face and a thumb carefully caressed his lip, Dean was caught. Unable to move away, unable to look anywhere but at Cas and his bright blue eyes. 

Cas came closer yet, touching almost from head to toe, then he finally, finally leaned in and kissed Dean. It was easy and right, their mouths fit with each other, and Dean submitted, opening his lips and Cas was there immediately, brushing a tongue out to taste. 

Dean had never kissed a man before. Now it felt like all he had done, was waiting for it to happen. Something broke inside and his arms came up to cling to Cas’ shirt and with a gasp he would deny later, Dean deepened the kiss. Even if he stood on shaky legs.


	5. To win a bet

Cas was unsettled after what happened. He realized at little late perhaps how intimate it was, what he wanted to show Dean. But they were both a little drunk and Cas really wanted Dean to see. 

So he went through with it, and standing so close to Dean, feeling his warmth and practically tasting him, was a struggle of itself. He wanted to lean in and kiss that exposed neck. 

It was a nice and relatively unguarded moment with Dean. And once they finished, Dean kissed him. They made out for a long time, Cas had pressed Dean to the door and they kissed messily and deliciously.   
Cas still dreamt of Dean’s hands pushing into his hair and the almost desperate sounds he made. 

Dean had pushed them apart after a while. Breathing heavily, staring as one hand came up to touch his lip, like he couldn’t believe what happened. 

“Cas.” Dean sounded wrecked. Cas wanted to lean forward, to explore some more, but something in Dean’s eyes made him take a step back instead. 

“I’m so sorry.” Dean whispered. 

“What for?” Cas tilted his head in confusion. 

Dean took deep conscious breaths, something was clearly weighing him down. 

“It’s… I’m not…” He swallowed hard. “I’m not sure what I’m doing here.” 

“You seem plenty knowledgeable to me.”

Dean rubbed a hand across his face.

“Not the kissing, Cas. But kissing… you!”

It hurt to hear that said to him when he thought they had shared something good. Cas took another step back. Dean followed. 

“Cas, I’ve never… Damn, this is embarrassing. I have never kissed a man before. So I think I should go.”

Cas nodded slowly, surprise keeping him rooted for a moment. 

“Oh… Well, did you not like it?”

Dean looked caught in the headlights, and he blushed. 

“No, Cas… Fuck, of course I liked it. I just… have no idea how to…” Dean lifted his arms in an almost desperate motion.

Cas knew his smile probably looked a little shaky, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t know when Dean became such a big part of his life. But Cas knew he did not want to lose him as a friend no matter what happened. And suddenly they had gotten tangled in something bigger than the simple acquaintance they used to be. 

Cas had known from the beginning that he found Dean very attractive. He had also accepted that they would stay friends, because he didn’t think Dean would swing his way. 

“I understand. Let’s say good night, and we’ll see each other later.” Cas suggested and Dean looked relived. 

 

Things went back to normal as both of them opted to act as if the thing between them, wasn’t there. 

That’s where Cas was confused. They kept talking to each other, having a great time, and nothing had changed. Cas was not the kind of person to overthink everything that happened in his life, but in this case he had to do some thinking. Because he came to a point where he started wondering whether it actually happened. But it had, he was certain. Whenever he sat next to Dean and his cologne would brush toward him, Cas felt his stomach tighten pleasantly. And sometimes, when they sat close, Dean would press his leg against Cas’, and leave it there. 

Cas took these little hinds from Dean and he decided to prepare his next attempt at winning their bet. He wanted to introduce Dean to what an orchestra was capable of. It was only because of Jess that he did it sooner than he first thought. 

Dean’s birthday was coming up fast. Even if Cas was not exactly a very enthusiastic birthday person, he did enjoy a nice gift. 

One night after Cas finished late at the academy he came to the Roadhouse, and while most of his friends sat by the table, he joined Dean at the bar. 

“Hello Dean.” Cas said and sat down. 

“Cas.” Dean acknowledged him. 

“I have to warn you that Jess told me it’s your birthday soon.”

Dean shook his head slowly.

“Of course she did.” 

“Don’t worry.”

“Oh Yeah?” Dean finally turned to face him, and there was a smile on his face. Cas wrestled out of his jacket.

“I thought perhaps, if you still wanted, you could come down to the academy and listen to something.”

Dean narrowed his eyes.

“Really?”

“You gave me three tries to convince you about symphony orchestra, this is the last thing I’ve got. If you don’t change your mind, I won’t bother you with it again.” 

Dean watched him closely for a moment. 

“And you want me to just listen to something?”

“Yes. I’ll have the orchestra play something, and then you can make up your mind.”

 

Dean agreed, even if he said he couldn’t understand why he thought that would change his mind. 

“I’ve listened to you play something before. I came to the dress rehearsal, remember?”

Cas knew that, but he wouldn’t spoil the surprise so he told Dean to wait until it was time. 

It was still a couple of weeks until Dean’s birthday. They met each other regularly, and it felt the same. Cas was grateful that they still could be friends, after what happened between them. Maybe Dean cherished their friendship as much as he did. 

 

When the day finally came around, Cas acted fidgety and nervous. Dean showed up in the doorway, nicely dressed in a pair of light blue jeans and a white t-shirt under his jacket. Cas was suddenly aware of how important this was to him. Of how much he wanted it to work. And how much he wanted. Wanted Dean. 

There was a tentative smile on Dean’s face. Lazy and genuine once their eyes met. And Cas knew, that even if he couldn’t get Dean to enjoy the symphony orchestra as much as he did. Then at least he would understand what it was Cas tried to do. 

Dean sent a glance around the room. 

“There’s no one here.” 

“No, there is not.” Apart from the two of them, and the orchestra, the hall was empty. 

“You can come sit over here.” Cas said and Dean swallowed visibly before making his way over to a chair close to the conductor stand. 

Dean sat down and waved awkwardly at the people in front of them. Cas suddenly wished he’d prepared Dean a bit more for what this was. He wanted the man to enjoy himself, but maybe it became too much. 

Cas felt stressed and awkward in a way so foreign to him. So he turned to the orchestra, because there he knew what to do. It was his and he was confident in his place there. He gave a smile and rolled up his sleeves. All of them casually dressed, and they were doing this for fun, because Cas had asked them. 

So he sent one look at Dean who nodded and once Cas raised a hand to signal his orchestra, the violins and flutes started on the baseline. Then the drums and more flutes joined the band and Dean let out a slow ‘Wooow’. 

Cas was already sweating, but the people in front of him was smiling and the good feeling was catching. 

Once the violins started in on the melody of “eye of the tiger” Dean uttered a loud ‘YES’ and Cas took a second to look at him. 

The smile on his face was wide and happy, and his eyes were shining as he looked up to meet Cas’ eyes. 

Cas focused on the band, but he would watch Dean too. The man was taking it in with a grin on his face. He looked surprised, in a good way. 

When the song ended Dean applauded them with a cheer. 

“This was really cool. I didn’t know you could do that!” He laughed happily. Cas watched that face looking lighter and better than he had in a while. And no matter what would happen between them, Cas knew then and there that he wouldn’t stop trying to make Dean feel good. 

Once the laughter and cheer eased down, Dean turned to Cas who had stepped down from his place in front of the orchestra. 

“Cas, this was really… I mean, thank you.” 

“Yeah? You enjoyed it?”

“I sure did.” Dean grinned. 

Cas chuckled. 

“I’m glad. So did I win the bet?” Cas couldn’t help himself. 

Dean laughed. 

“Not sure about the classical music you usually play, but this is so cool, Cas. I might not have changed my mind about the orchestra entirely, but I know I’ve made up my mind about you.”

“You have?” Cas whispered. He hadn’t even known there was something about him that needed to be figured out, but he heart certainly skipped a beat.

Dean stepped up to Cas and without warning, pulled him in close and kissed him. In front of his entire orchestra. They immediately started cheering and clapping their hands and Dean pulled back, his face blushing. 

“Yes I have. And I wanted you to know that it doesn’t matter what I think about the music you enjoy. Because I enjoy being with you. And listening to the orchestra, or watch you at work, is something I’d gladly do with you.” Dean stood with their faces pressed close, and Cas could feel a smile spread across his face. 

He might not have won the bet, but he definitely hadn’t lost. 

Cas leaned in for a kiss. 

“Happy birthday, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and leaving comments or kudos. Hope you liked it :) 
> 
> See you around !

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I am having a hard time getting peace of mind to write anything lately, but I desperately want to get my ideas on paper. This new year didn't begin as expected, and I kind of want to ramble on about that, but I'll stop, because this is about this story.  
> So this is just a very sneaky peak of what's to come. 
> 
> xx - hope to see you around


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